Hope you slept well last night and had the sweetest of dreams!
I lay on your bed until your Dad came home then helped him get dinner on, chicken schnitzel and sweet potato wedges, before lying on the lounge as my head hurt.
Jax came home from work after negotiating traffic for about half an hr – from church to here, ridiculous – and we all ate together and listened to Jax chat about his day. Apparently a 5 year old girl popped her pants and wanted Jax to clean her up! I laughed and he smirked while shaking his head! I’m really happy as he appears to be enjoying the job. Anna said she saw him the other day and he was sitting on the ground with a bunch of kids sitting on and around him and he was reading them a book. She said “he really is the BFG in person hey?” She said her heart melted when she saw him.
Anyway, we all chatted and dad left to do the pre marriage course by himself as I still didn’t feel great.
I had a shower and washed my hair then a cracker lacking storm hit. The poor gutters weren’t coping at all so Huds and I ran around to shut doors and windows. I sat on your bed with the lamp on watching the lightening and trying to write a piece for my blog. No can do. Must have deleted and tried again WAY too many times. Should’ve known better as I’ve had a foggy head all day so I just can’t pin down what I want to say…so I thought I’d chat to you instead, knowing full well you’d be all tucked up in your snuggly McKnight blanket with the potential of more snow looming, which creates the prettiest of lighting as you look out the window.
Your room provides some solace but also a sadness that today, you are not here. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% behind you living this incredible life you will live. Just today for a reason I’m not sure of, my chest aches like it did last year before you left, when I thought of everyday life without you and my throat burns as the lump constricts my breathing. There’s such a fine line between telling you how sad I feel now that you’ve moved away and in not telling you as I don’t want you to feel bad. I never want you to feel bad. I want you to feel happy always so I will be silent in my tears and in my yearning for your bright smiling face to bust open the front door and greet me. The waves of sadness are for the most part, kept off the shore of my heart but today, they are shore dumpers. Crashing. Powerful. Unable to be ignored. So I let them roll in and I gasp for breath as I deal with the knowledge that you won’t be home anytime soon.
But you’re living a life bigger than you imagined. Your world and your soul are being stretched and challenged like never before and that brings me comfort and joy. You are changing and maturing and finding out stuff about yourself and the world. You share your heart with me and I’ve found that by releasing you, I’ve got you more than I’ve ever had before. And as you find yourself and you find “your people” may you always know, in the depths of who you are, that I am your biggest supporter, cheerleader, encourager. That I am your people. That we are your people.
one day they'll fly away 